Listening : A Tool for Setting Conditions for Change

Previously, I wrote about leadershipbeing about creating conditions that support others achieving outcomes. Our strength comes from identifying the beneficial conditions and our influence draws on our ability to create those conditions. All of this is premised on the assumption that we are working to create a different set of outcomes moving forward than what we have experienced so far.

(BIG BIAS ALERT: If there is no vision of things being different, no leadership is required!)

How we listen and subsequently engage in our conversations with people is one place where we really can exercise these core leadership constructs. I say this, because what we listen for, notice, and affirm (talk about) when relating with others is a GIANT condition that affects the other person’s behavior and our own. (Remember, our behaviors are a direct result of the conditions we are experiencing*)

David Rock explores the nature of conversation in his book “Quiet Leadership.” He observes that what we talk about with each other, our conversations, broadly falls into one of 5 categories. We talk about vision, planning, details, problems, or drama. Most of these we understand, so I won’t spend time defining them in detail. What caught my attention is that each of these has its own trajectory and magnitude of influence on achieving beneficial change. In short:

• Drama(which we generally connect to high emotion about negative things) is all about our intense reaction to an event in the past. It points us in the direction of the past and fires up our amygdala – the fight or flight part of our brain – a process that short-circuits rational thought and concentrates and constricts brain activity. Not great if we are trying to see a new path.
  
  
• Problem is also focused on the past. While more rational and potentially more discerning, it still pulls us away from the future thinking that change requires. While not as extreme as drama, it still focuses on what happened and often on what went wrong. At best, we can generate a list of what to avoid, but not always what to attempt.
  
  
• Detail is the neutral player in this game. While great for giving shape to something either in the past or in the future, it is generally descriptive in nature which is rather static. It doesn’t really move us forward or backward.
  
  
• Planning (ok, now we are looking forward) is the logical process for moving towards action and a goal. At its best, it helps us see what it will take (conditions) and what steps we can take to influence change. This provides a clear sense of control and lights the way.
  
  
• Visionis the other side of the drama coin. It can also be high emotion, but about positive things. Our visions are generally aspirational and trigger neural networks that cross connect many parts of our brain and expands our “sense-making” and “creativity.” It allows for possibility and flexibility – the stuff change is made of.

Our leadership influence comes from how we foster the conversation. Since conversation builds on the input from both parties, we have the ability to control some of the conditions that affect where the conversation goes based on what we affirm or contribute.

Assuming we want to support positive change, we have the greatest potential to achieve that by steering conversations towards vision – and not just any vision, but specifically a vision that is personal to those involved and taps into their aspirations and beliefs. The beautiful part is that people are usually telling us their vision when talking in any of the ways Rock discusses even if they are not thinking about it themselves. Our job is to listen for that vision by focusing our attention.

The technical, brainy stuff around this ability to see and focus is the Reticular Activating System. This is the part of the brain that filters what the world throws at us. And, we can influence what it filters or focuses on and then use that info to shape our conversations. (the invisible gorilla experiment is a great example of this system in action and power it has over us).

The key is to prime ourselves for what we are listening for when someone speaks. My favorite approach is Catalytic Listening as framed by Hildy Gottlieb of Creating the Future. While it is part of a larger approach to creating change, at its foundation is actively listening for a person’s aspirations, values, and strengths (I also use goals/beliefs/assets just to mix up the semantics).

You’ll notice these are all positive things AND they are all key ingredients of a vision. And yes, even when someone is in the climax of drama, they are revealing what they want. When they say, 'I can’t stand how noisy he is,' they are also likely telling us 'quiet is where I thrive.'

With these positive observations in hand, we can then take our leadership step and ask if what we heard is true. Per the above, we could ask, 'It sounds like having quiet is important to you. Is that right? Is that something you’d like more of?'

If we managed to get it correct, we are infusing their aspirations into the dialog and shifting the drama to vision. And if we get it wrong, we are still likely to break the drama cycle simply by having asked them to focus on something positive and assess for themselves if it is true – thereby coaxing their reticular activating system to shift its focus.

Our ability to listen for the positive, visionary elements of others provides us with strong catalysts that we can inject into the dialog to change the conditions from drama to vision and begin setting the stage for changes in perspective, belief, and behavior that lead to our desired, beneficial outcomes.

*For more on the things touched on here:

Quiet Leadership by David Rock

Catalytic Thinking: A Framework for Creating and Scaling Powerful Results by Hildy Gottlieb